My friends’ parents followed similar guidelines in their homes. 

The dawning of the Internet added a new challenge to parenting: new technology but the same guidelines. Proverbs 18:21 (NIV) says, “The tongue has the power of life and death….” I like to remind my family that our thumbs also have the power of life and death. 

I do not post much online these days. The opinions and outrage of others lead me to preach and minister with frustration. My mental health does much better when I use words with restraint. These days, I mostly post pictures of family, friends, and fish. Proverbs 17:27-28 (NIV) reminds us, “The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered. Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.”

I recently asked a pastor friend why he deleted his social media accounts, and he answered, “I found myself preaching mad. I need to walk away from it for my well-being.” Holding our tongues and thumbs is wise. You have heard it said, “You don’t need to say everything you think.” You also don’t need to post everything you think and feel.

The pandemic and political unrest accelerated the outrage online. We wake every morning, grab our phones, and find something new to infuriate us. What if there is a path forward that does not require surrendering our phones and WiFi? Proverbs 2:11 (NIV) says, “Discretion will protect you, and understanding will guard you.” The Internet changed everything in the 90s. Social media outlets like Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, and Instagram connect us to family and friends, but they also can hurt your family, reputation, and mental health. It only takes a minute or two online to see that many lack discretion and good manners.

When our kids were young, Dr. Gary Smalley encouraged my wife and me to write a family constitution. On it, we listed all of our family’s values, which served as a guide for our daily interactions. It included honoring one another with our words, offering grace for mistakes made, praying together each day, and reading the Bible. The last line of our constitution reads, “We will live in the moment and not online.” As a family, we have many special moments where we smile at each other to say, “That moment is just for us. We do not need to reenact it for a picture to post online.”

The last line of our constitution led us to create a separate set of guidelines for online discretion. We wrote this as our children became teenagers. These are simple reminders we use to guard our hearts, home, and reputations:

• I will not seek validation for my feelings through likes, comments, replies, or retweets. The Internet is not always a safe place to heal from hurt.
• I will only post things that are encouraging and edifying. We want to esteem others with our words.
• I refuse to vent or speak negatively about anyone. 
• I will take personal responsibility for my posts and remove posts that incite cruel and harsh criticism toward my friends, spouse, parents, or coworkers. The delete key is my friend. 
• I will avoid passive-aggressive posting. 
• I will not post seductive pictures or “selfies” in an effort to “put myself out there.” 
• If a relationship is struggling, as we pray and work toward reconciliation, we will suspend all use of social media for the sake of our children, family, and friends. 
• If I question a post, I will ask my spouse, parent, or a mature friend to review it before posting. 
• I will not stalk the behavior of another via social media. 
• I will not create false accounts to manipulate, deceive, or act falsely toward someone else. 
• I will share all of my passwords with members of my family. 
• Above all else, I will strive to use social media in a way that honors God, others, and my family, regardless of my feelings. 
• If I cannot use social media in an honoring way, I commit to deleting my account. 

You may feel safe and protected in a room with just a computer, but the Internet is a powerful tool used for good and evil. Protect yourself, your ministry, and those you love with every keystroke. Everything you say and do online is repeatable, shareable, and retweetable.

The Apostle Paul’s words to the Colossians serve as an excellent reminder for us online: “Live wisely among those who are not believers, and make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone” (Colossians 4:5-6, NLT). Let your online presence build people up, and never add to their anxiety. “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up” (Proverbs 12:25, NIV). People surfing the highlight reels of others have enough to deal with at the end of the day. I want my words to build up and bring life.

My mom did not raise her boys in the Internet age, but not much has changed. It is still “Please” and “Thank you,” and no foul language or name-calling—in-person and online.