Men and women have been hiding from God and each other since the events described in Genesis chapter three, which changed humans’ experience of nakedness from “unashamed” to “ashamed.” People are searching for ways to get back into a Garden of Eden experience, and these days the forbidden fruit is all around us. With every bite, pornography tragically promises life, but only delivers death. 

Covenant Eyes, the world leader in Internet filtering, reports that 64% of Christian men and 15% of Christian women say they view porn at least once a month.1 (Yes, women view pornography, too, as Internet statistics consistently show that one in every three visitors to an adult Web site is female.2 The younger generation of women is viewing porn at close to the same rates as their male counterparts. Sadly, women often experience greater judgment, and, therefore, greater shame than men who struggle with pornography, and women are routinely omitted from the conversation about porn users.) According to a 2016 Barna Group research study, 57% of pastors and 64% of youth pastors report they have struggled with porn at some point, and many confess it is a current issue.3  

Internet porn is like crack cocaine in that it is accessible, anonymous, affordable, accelerated, and addictive. During the COVID-19 pandemic, the already dangerous porndemic has exploded. Pornhub,© the world’s largest free pornography site, reports astronomical growth in daily visitors as people worldwide are coping with the stress, isolation, and additional free time as a result of the coronavirus. Many other pornography sites have provided more of their premium content for free, which is ensnaring more people in the ever-darker world of rape and sex trafficking of women and children. Viewing pornography alone, even without the masturbation that almost always accompanies it, releases powerful neurochemicals that hijack brain chemistry and rewire a desire for more porn instead of authentic human connection.

People who use pornography are, indeed, involved in a false intimacy with “imaginary lovers.” These fantasy-based bodies, which bear scant resemblance to anyone in real life in both appearance and sexual behavior, never require the viewer to show up in authenticity and vulnerability. The objectification of women and men reduces both genders to one-dimensional images of their full selves. Worse, today’s pornography, including the vast amount of free porn, is violent, degrading, and misogynistic. 

This secret pornographic life has nothing to do with love and intimacy. It only offers a false substitute of destruction. The Apostle Paul warns in I Corinthians 6:16, “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body?” This principle also applies to consuming pornography, where a man or woman can bond to sex with self or with these fantasy images—both of which are false versions of intimacy.  

So many people are unaware that pornography use is developing a stronghold in their lives and damaging their most important relationships. In the pursuit of pornography and its genital-based sexuality, strugglers are completely missing the richness and mystery of the one-flesh union of marital sexual intimacy. Pornography seekers are really looking for validation or affirmation, connection, and love, which are holy desires for genuine intimacy. Yet, their pursuit of illicit sex leaves them ultimately disappointed, dissatisfied, and ashamed.

Porn is a “check engine” light on the dashboard of a person’s life. Looking below the hood reveals the debilitating issue of an intimacy disorder, which is fueled by a pornified culture. Often other deeper issues are at play, such as attachment deficits, childhood trauma, sexual abuse, generational sins (Deuteronomy 24:16), attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, anxiety, and other mental health struggles. The result of this porndemic is an illness of epic proportions—a void of healthy, intimate relationships with other people and God.

If we are going to address the porndemic within the Church, we must face the problem among its leadership. When a Christian pastor hides his pornography habit, he exists in what author, C.S. Lewis, describes as, “the prison of himself.” So many pastors confide, “If I share my sexual struggles with my church leadership, my confidentiality will be broken, and I’ll be judged, shamed, and marginalized. My vulnerability in telling the truth will mean the end of my career and ministry.” A truism from many 12-step programs says we are “as sick as our secrets.” These wounded shepherds need Christian helpers to provide safe pastures where healing and recovery can flourish.

We must address the treatment of pornography as a multifaceted problem requiring a multifaceted solution. The late esteemed pioneer in the Christian community regarding treating pornography and sexual addiction, Dr. Mark Laaser, frequently said that we are wounded in relationships, we act out in isolation and secrecy, and we are healed in relationships. Professor, and author, Dr. Brené Brown, asserts, “You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness.” The fantasy women and men in porn consistently provide the message that viewers are desirable and desired… that they are worthy. Pornography consumption, then, is aptly termed a disorder of “worth-ship,” as people mistakenly get their worth from the false promises of imaginary lovers.

Research finds that those trapped in pornography or sex addiction need to be in regular counseling, group therapy, and a 12-step program or similar support group. Individual therapy with a well-trained therapist who specializes in sex addiction, trauma, and attachment issues is essential. Groups such as Sex Addicts Anonymous, Samson Society, Pure Desire, and Celebrate Recovery are life-changing. Many people greatly benefit from an intensive therapeutic experience that jumpstarts their healing, such as the three-day Integrity Redeemed intensives that Jim leads, or Bethesda Workshops, a short-term intensive program that Marnie directs. Issues that were formed in intensity (and today’s supercharged pornography is definitely intense!) need to be changed through intensity.

The good news is that with proper treatment, pornography addiction can be arrested. If individuals do the recovery equivalents of washing their hands, wearing a face mask, and practicing physical distancing from any porn, they can break free from the porndemic of imaginary lovers.

Marnie Ferree, M.A., LMFT, CSAT, is a pioneer in the field of sexual addiction, especially in the Christian community. She is the author of No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction and founder and director of Bethesda Workshops, a short-term intensive program for treating pornography and sex and love addiction. Visit https://www.bethesdaworkshops.org for more information.

Jim Cress, M.A., LPC, CSAT, CMAT, specializes in counseling those struggling with sex addiction, partners of sex addicts, marital counseling, trauma, abuse, and experiential group therapy. He has a private practice in Matthews, North Carolina, and leads regular workshops and group therapy sessions.      

This article originally appeared in Christian Counseling Today, Vol. 24 No. 3. Christian Counseling Today is the flagship publication of the American Association of Christian Counselors. To learn more about the AACC, click here.

Endnotes

1 Denison, M. (2018, October 11). Porn in the pulpit: Facing it head on – Covenant Eyes Blog. Retrieved July 20, 2020, from https://www.covenanteyes.com/2018/10/11/porn-in-the-pulpit/.

2 Pornography Statistics. (n.d.). Retrieved July 27, 2020, from https://www.familysafe.com/pornography-statistics/.
3 Kinnaman, D. (2016, February 5). The porn phenomenon. Retrieved July 20, 2020, from https://www.barna.com/the-porn-phenomenon/.