One story of addiction may be, “If I do this, I will stop feeling; if I stop feeling, I won’t have shame,” as shame is the center of any addiction. 

It is difficult to characterize shame concisely because it can present as guilt, depression, and disgust. Unlike guilt, which is behavioral-based, shame is identity-based (Tangney & Dearing, 2004), making it a sickness of the soul. Shame is a universal human experience because it is woven into our fallen DNA. Feelings of shame can be healthy when experienced temporarily and deter problematic behavior. It can be used as a motivation toward change (Stricher, 2020) when the desire for a healthier life is leveraged. However, toxic shame, which is excruciating and debilitating, is felt as an inner torment. Shame is undoubtedly the most painful of emotions.

Toxic shame is the confluence of two rivers, the self-devaluation of internal shame and the expected social devaluation of external shame. The internal river of shame is the “dark mirror within” (Gilbert, 2011, p. 328). Addicts are shame-prone people whose self-reflection produces a shame-based identity. The “I am” conclusions (e.g., I’m inadequate, I’m defective, I’m damaged, I’m unworthy, and I’m unlovable) often go unchallenged. Thus, shame becomes stronger and is resistant to change. The most challenging task addicts have is to give up the beliefs they hold about themselves. 

According to Bradshaw (2005), shame “… is the source of most of the neurotic and character disordered behaviors” (p. xv), both causing and an artifact of addiction. The internalization of threatening shame messages requires a defense against unwanted and intolerable feelings (Gu & Hyun, 2021). Acting out is the addict’s answer. However, a vicious shame-addiction cycle is generated by striving to escape the haunting feelings and seeking relief from the resulting shame. This cycle paradoxically increases shame, precipitating self-reproach and self-incrimination. Despite the addict’s best efforts, the solution to avoid and escape their shame has become the problem. Soon the aim of acting out is more about reinforcing the shame than escaping it.

The external source of shame involves perceived and actual social judgment. Addicted individuals “know” that others’ thoughts about them are unfavorable and fault-finding. Early life experiences may condition the addict to fear exposure of the real self. Once addicted, social commentary (e.g., Why would they mess up their life? They ought to know better! No true Christian would do that!) reinforces self-incrimination. Though God made us for relationships, the tortuous feelings of shame foster isolation and deception to avoid humiliation. The shamed individual experiences relationships as though there is a vast gulf between being fully known and fully accepted. Subsequently, shame fragments a person’s willingness and capacity for connection, setting the stage for addiction.

Though shame originated in Adam and Eve’s sin, it is perpetuated by Adverse Developmental Experiences (ADEs). Research has clearly linked shame to various forms of trauma (e.g., Plante et al., 2022) and shame-bound interactive patterns in the family of origin (Fossum & Mason, 1986). It is not surprising that most addicts have a history of neglect or emotional, physical, or sexual abuse, which are the breeding grounds for shame. Treating the addict’s trauma is essential to recovery.

Shame is a barrier to sobriety (Sawer et al., 2020). Help-seeking is obstructed by shame and addiction’s secrecy, self-sufficiency, and deception. When addictive clients present for counseling, they carry their toxic shame into treatment and recovery. Without the anesthetizing activity, the emotions can flood addicts when facing the enormity of their unmanageability. Anxiety, regret, grief, sadness, and self-contempt can be intense. Shame and the tsunami of tormenting emotions may be the catalyst for self-sabotage. Thoughts such as, “I don’t deserve a better life,” “I’m a horrible person,” or “Why try?” impair recovery and foster relapse. 

Until the anesthesia of acting out wears off, the depth of shame may not be fully realized. After counseling a sex-addicted client for more than four months, he confessed to holding something back. He agonized for five minutes before hesitantly disclosing a pre-adolescent sexual experience with an animal. He wept uncontrollably and mumbled, “No one else knows this.” Shame lives and is fortified in the shadows. It is felt with what is said and what must never be spoken. 

In counseling the shame-addiction cycle, confrontational strategies are counterproductive because they reinforce shame—efforts to convince them that they do not need to feel shame discounts their reality. It is of inestimable importance to authentically value the addictive client. Individuals who receive empathetic responses experience an increased sense of power and connection (Brown, 2006). Therapeutic empathy may lead to self-acceptance of past and present behavior and promote self-compassion. For most addictive clients, to be known and valued is a new experience. The hospitality and attunement of the therapist’s presence is an antidote for shame. In essence, care is more essential than cure (Kurzt, 2007).

Because of their self-blame and self-hatred, self-forgiveness is a necessary clinical task. However, shame blocks self-forgiveness due to the weight of sinful and harmful choices (McGaffin et al., 2013). Not until addicts internalize God’s forgiveness and profound love toward sinners (Romans 5:8) can they release themselves. Having a good God concept is far more impactful than having a good self-concept. His love and delight in us (Zephaniah 3:17) mean that toxic shame is misguided. However, acceptance is a formable task because the shame of addiction erodes one’s relationship with God. Addicts must reconceptualize God as the One who abounds in mercy, grace, and love rather than a punitive God who is disgusted with them and their actions. Understanding that each believer is covered in Christ’s righteousness, not one’s own, reduces shame. Sometimes, I request that my clients envision God looking down on them, clearly seeing their unworthiness. I then cover them with a white cloth, representing Christ’s righteousness. Because of His sacrifice, God chooses to see His Son’s goodness instead of our sin. 

Feelings of shame are not just carried in the head and heart; they are also stored in the body. Creating a safe haven allows clients to turn toward the somatic markers of shame. When addicts gain awareness and label what is happening in their bodies, they can experience what has been intolerable to feel. In some cases, the shame might not abate for those with intense trauma (Wiechelt & Sales, 2001). Therefore, a systematic trauma approach, such as Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) or sensory processing, to target touchstone memories and somatically marked trauma is effective for helping appropriately trained professionals. 

Even with effective counseling, shame does not always subside. However, not addressing shame in recovery will stifle treatment. Finding freedom from enslavement to shame requires accessing psychological and spiritual resources. In author John Bunyan’s allegory, Pilgrim’s Progress, Christian and his companion, Hopeful, were captured by the Giant of Despair, who beat them and imprisoned them in the dark and sordid dungeon of Doubting Castle. With no apparent hope, Christian became suicidal. Eventually, Christian realized that he held the key of Promise, which unlocked the dungeon door and set them free. Shame imprisons addicts in a dungeon that seems impossible to escape. However, God has given promises that can free those enslaved by shame. Our job is to help them find the key.

John C. Thomas, Ph.D., Ph.D., is a Professor in the Department of Counselor Education and Family Studies at Liberty University in Lynchburg, Virginia. He is a Licensed Professional Counselor-Supervisor, Certified Sex Therapist, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and Certified Substance Abuse Counselor. Dr. Thomas is the editor and contributing author of Counseling Techniques: A Comprehensive Resource for Christian Counselors (Zondervan).

References

Bradshaw, J. (2005). Healing the shame that binds you. Health Communications.

Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society: The Journal of Contemporary Social Sciences, 87(1), 43-52. https://doi.org/ 10.1606/1044-3894.3483.

Fossum, M.A., & Mason, M.J. (1986). Facing shame: Families in recovery. Norton.

Gilbert, P. (2011). Shame in psychotherapy and the role of compassion focused therapy. In R.L. Dearing & J.P. Tangney (Eds.), Shame in the therapy hour (pp. 325-354). American Psychological Association.

Gu, X., & Hyun, M. (2021). The associations of covert narcissism, self-compassion, and shame focused coping strategies with depression. Social Behavior And Personality: An International Journal, 49(6), 1-15. https://doi.org/10.2224/sbp.10101. 

Kurtz, E. (2007). Shame and guilt. Universe. 

McGaffin, B.J., Lyons, G.C.B., & Deane, F.P. (2013). Self-forgiveness, shame, and guilt in recovery from drug and alcohol problems. Substance Abuse, 34(4), 396-404. Doi: 10.1080/08897077.2013.781564. 

Oren-Schwartz, R., Aizik-Reebs, A., Yuval, K., Hadash, Y., & Bernstein, A. (2022, August 4). Effect of mindfulness-based trauma recovery for refugees on shame and guilt in trauma recovery among African asylum-seekers. Emotion. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/emo0001126.

Plante, W., Tuford, L., & Shute, T. (2022). Interventions with survivors of interpersonal trauma: Addressing the role of shame. Clinical Social Work Journal, 50, 183-193. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10615-021-00832-w. 

Sawer, F., Davis, P., & Gleeson, K. (2020). Is shame a barrier to sobriety? A narrative analysis of those in recovery. Drugs: Education, Prevention and Policy, 27(1), 70-85. https://doi.org/10.1080/09687637.2019.1572071.

Stichter, M. (2020). Learning from failure: Shame and emotion regulation in virtue as skill. Ethical Theory and Moral Practice, 23(2), 341-354. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10677-020-10079-y.

Tangney, J.P., & Dearing, R.L. (2004). Shame and guilt. Guilford Press. 
Wiechelt, S.A., & Sales, E. (2001). The role of shame in women’s recovery from alcoholism: The impact of childhood sexual abuse. Journal of Social Work Practice in the Addictions, 1(4), 101-115.