Yeah, still good.” Here is another statement you have never heard from any parent ever: “My kids are perfectly emotionally healthy!” Sure, our goal is to raise emotionally healthy kids, but we all fall short in one way or another. However, this does not mean parents cannot play a key role in raising emotionally healthy kids who will become responsible adults. In fact, the goal in parenting isn’t that we would develop completely obedient children but rather that we would raise responsible adults. The most effective parents keep that end goal in mind. 

Becoming Students of the Changing Culture

Raising emotionally healthy kids in today’s culture is not an easy task. The culture is not exactly our friend when it comes to helping kids develop healthy emotions, morals, values, or strong faith. With this in mind, here is a prayer I often need to pray, “Lord, teach me to parent the children I have, not the child I was or the kids I thought I would have.” If we are going to help our children navigate this ever-changing culture, the following are a few distinctives about this generation we must keep at the forefront of our minds. 

They are shaped by technology. Today, almost every aspect of children’s lives is influenced by technology and media. Parents need to be extremely intentional about creating media-safe homes and helping kids learn from an early age to discern the consequences media can have on their lives. 

They view tolerance as one of the major traits of a loving person. This dominant view of culture has influenced our children’s generation. It makes for complicated conversations regarding gender identity, politics, faith issues, and, of course, morals and values. Parents can take the lead and continue to have a “biblical worldview” while being loving to those who disagree. 

They experience what parents often call “the cringe factor.” Research says that the average age a child will view pornography is 11 years old.1 Sixty-nine percent of the people in the United States believe cohabitation is acceptable regardless of whether the couple plans to marry.2 Gender identity issues have gone mainstream. In a recent Gallup poll, the percentage of LGBTQ adults in the U.S. has doubled over the past decade.3 Another cultural cringe factor is that Gen Z reports twice as many atheists as the general population.4 Parents must talk with their children about these critical issues while teaching them biblical values from a positive, God-honoring point of view.

What’s a Parent to Do?

Unfortunately, too many parents become paralyzed with today’s culture and give up. However, you can make a difference when you are proactive. Research shows there are several factors a parent can implement to help their children become emotionally healthy and responsible adults. The following are seven things parents can do to raise emotionally healthy kids: 

  1. Lead. I fear that too many parents have indulged and enabled their children to the extent that they have helped create irresponsible and even narcissistic kids. Parents must lead with love, purpose, and authority. Children are unwilling to grow up when they have weak, inconsistent discipline and poor boundaries. I do not mean that kids should not be nurtured and affirmed. Every child needs someone who can be irrationally positive toward them, but they also need parents who will express expectations, set high standards, and hold them accountable. 
  2. Shape Behavior Without Crushing Character. Developing character and responsibility is one of the key factors in raising emotionally healthy kids. Still, one of the ironies is that we must give our kids the freedom to fail for them to grow up. Keep in mind that kids are moving from dependence to independence—if we hold on too tightly, they will not learn to take full responsibility or build healthy character. In his excellent book, Parenting Teens with Love & Logic,5 Foster Cline offers four steps toward teaching your kids to become responsible. 
  • Step one: Give your child responsibilities (that are appropriate with their age development). 
  • Step two: Trust that your child will carry them out. 
  • Step three: When they blow it, stand back and allow the consequence to occur while expressing empathy.
  • Step four: Turn right back around and give them the same responsibilities all over again because it sends a powerful implied message: “You’re so smart that you can learn from your mistakes.” 

The more parents can empathize with their kids’ mistakes because they have already discussed the consequences, the better it is for raising emotionally healthy kids. 

  1. Encourage Positive Peer Relationships. Peer pressure does not always have to be negative. Positive peer influence is immensely powerful. The Bible says, “… Bad company corrupts good character” (1 Corinthians 15:33, NIV), but the opposite is also true—good company encourages good character. Healthy friendships will help your children deal with unhealthy cultural influences, sometimes even in ways you cannot help. Research reveals that young people who are engaged with positive friendships, school activities, and church youth groups tend to have more strength in overcoming negative cultural temptations. 
  2. Foster Spiritual Growth. Remember, you cannot live out your children’s spiritual growth, but you can energize their faith in many positive ways. Nagging them into a deeper relationship with God has never worked, ever. Friendships play a vital role, so involvement with other kids at church is often very influential. Encouraging faith to be an adventure with mission and service experiences and providing other role models enhance spiritual growth. Recent studies show that “faith conversations at home with parents” are key to keeping your kids on track. 
  3. Teach Your Kids Healthy Biblical Sexuality From a Positive Viewpoint. All studies show that the more positive, value-centered sex education kids receive from their parents, the less promiscuous and confused they will be. Unfortunately, many parents with young children today never received healthy sex education from their parents, so they tend to refrain from discussing this topic with their kids. However, this must change—no one is safer than a parent in having those sometimes awkward and uncomfortable conversations. Today, there are excellent resources available to help parents with this subject. 
  4. Have Serious Fun. Yes, it is proven that fun and play with your family are incredible ways to open a closed spirit, build healthy lifestyle traditions, and develop family closeness, which brings everyone emotional health. 
  5. Get as Emotionally Healthy as You Possibly Can. Too many parents are emotional wrecks because they carry the weight of their children’s behavior on their backs. No matter how good of a parent you are, your child is quite capable of making poor choices and horrible decisions. Remember, parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. So, do not put all of your energy into your children and neglect your own emotional health. An emotionally healthy parent is one of the best factors in having emotionally healthy children. Someone once told me, “Untended fires soon become nothing but a pile of ashes.” Fuel the fire within your own life. Develop a parenting plan focusing on your children becoming responsible adults and nurturing healthy emotional and spiritual growth. And do not neglect your own life as you create that parenting plan for your kids. 

The Bottom Line 

The bottom line is that there is hope in building character, responsibility, and emotionally healthy kids. Even if you are in the pit of pre-adolescent or adolescent hormones, drama, and rebellion, know that most kids make it to adulthood and do just fine—although not perfect, but healthy. Our three strong-willed kids gave my wife and me a run for our money. Even in the emerging adulthood years, it was challenging. And then they got married and matured. 

As I write this, I am just returning from a vacation with our entire family. One night on our recent escape with all the kids and grandchildren around us, I leaned over to my wife and said, “This is an awesome, mostly emotionally healthy family—and no, it’s not perfect, but I’m not sure it gets any better than this.” We smiled, held hands, and enjoyed a wonderful time together. 

Jim Burns, Ph.D., is the President of HomeWord. He is the author of Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out and Understanding Your Teen. Jim primarily writes and speaks on HomeWord’s values, which are: strong marriages, confident parents, empowered kids, and healthy leaders.

Endnotes

 McKee, A. (2020, November 16). Yes, your child will be exposed to online porn. But don’t panic – here’s what to do instead. The Conversation. Retrieved July 3, 2022, from https://theconversation.com/yes-your-child-will-be-exposed-to-online-porn-but-dont-panic-heres-what-to-do-instead-149900. 

2 Graf, N. (2019, November 6). Key findings on marriage and cohabitation in the U.S. Pew Research Center. Retrieved July 3, 2022, from https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2019/11/06/key-findings-on-marriage-and-cohabitation-in-the-u-s/. 

3 Jones, J.M. (2022, February 17). LGBT identification in U.S. ticks up to 7.1%. Gallup.com. Retrieved July 3, 2022, from https://news.gallup.com/poll/389792/lgbt-identification-ticks-up.aspx. 

4 Atheism doubles among generation Z. Barna Group. (2018, January 24). Retrieved July 3, 2022, from https://www.barna.com/research/atheism-doubles-among-generation-z/. 

5 Cline, F., & Fay, J. (2006). Parenting teens with love & logic (Colorado Springs: Piñon Press), pp. 139-40.