I hope you are not serious, I thought to myself… that dish is the most expensive thing on the menu. I did not want to come off as miserly in such a nice place, but I also did not want to break the bank on a single meal.  

So, in the meekest tone I could manage, I asked, “Are you sure you wouldn’t like one of the pasta dishes?” I kept my eyes fixed on the menu as I asked the question, but I could feel Leslie eyeing me to get a read on my real intentions. “Sure, the pasta primavera looks pretty good too,” she said without revealing a twinge of disappointment. This was the beginning of a financial dance we were developing… and only a few months into our new marriage. While I said, “… order whatever you want,” I did not actually mean it. What I meant was, “… order the cheapest thing you can find.” 

I cringe at the thought all these years later. I did not want to be stingy. I was stressed about our finances and did not want to pay the high price. However, being generous always requires paying a price. That’s why someone said, “People who think they’re generous to a fault usually think that’s their only fault.”

Thankfully, this experience was early on in our marriage, and we have learned many lessons about money and marriage since. The first lesson? Money matters in marriage.

Why Money Matters in Marriage

I did not realize it all those years ago, but Leslie ordering something expensive on the menu fueled my fear of not having financial security. Money has always provided plenty of fodder for marital discord. It is the most common source of conflict between couples… and with good reason. The person who holds the purse strings wields the power. Money also provides a battleground for disputes over responsibility and judgment. Because the results of financial decisions are often tangible, it becomes very tempting to lay blame when a money mistake is made.  

On a deeper level, financial issues can be a forum for airing doubts about self-worth. A partner who is financially irresponsible, for example, may be broadcasting a message that says, “Rescue me… I need your help.” A spouse’s reluctance to accept gifts may hide a more profound lack of trust. And a spouse who goes on a spending spree when sensing his or her significant other is being cold and withdrawn may be trying to garner attention or inflict pain. 

Money matters between couples are rarely about money. So, if you want to minimize a currency conflict, trace it back to the fear it is fueling: fear of not having influence, fear of not having security, fear of not getting respect or fear of not realizing one’s dreams. Money matters run deep in every marriage… whether you are just starting out in a new relationship or have recently celebrated a landmark anniversary.   

Money Talks and So Can We

The number one catalyst for positive change, when it comes to money and marriage, is to get couples talking about it. “We can talk about almost anything except money” is a statement we have heard from the majority of couples we counsel. Money is a touchy subject. The topic sometimes brings out the worst in people, causing them to become withdrawn, pushy or manipulative. However, it does not have to be that way. With the right attitude and an honest agenda, couples can effectively communicate about getting out of debt, spending and giving, investing, and more. 

We sometimes encounter couples who think money discussions are “unspiritual.” In these situations, ask them to consider the following. Jesus spoke about money more frequently than any other subject except the kingdom of God. The range of His concern is startling—from the parable of the sower (Matthew 13:22) to the parable of the wealthy farmer (Luke 12:16-21)… from the encounter with the rich young ruler (Matthew 19:21) to the one with Zacchaeus (Luke 19:1-10)… from teachings on trust in the sixth chapter of Matthew to lessons on the danger of wealth in the sixth chapter of Luke.

So, if you are working with a couple who needs a fresh start in talking about their financial future, have them discuss their money history. Ask questions like: 

• How did your childhoods shape your beliefs about money?  

• How were financial decisions made in the home where you grew up?  

• Were money problems discussed openly?  

• What are your spending priorities right now?  

• Are they in sync with each other?  

This kind of discussion will help the couple cultivate empathy for each other’s money style and facilitate moving into examining how each spouse approaches money today. Of course, their priorities may conflict, but that’s okay. The goal is to get them talking about finances without evaluating or judging one another. If you help a couple reach this milestone, it will result in a reduction of financial conflict and be invaluable to their relationship. 

Les Parrott, Ph.D., and Leslie Parrott, Ed.D., are the #1 New York Times best-selling authors of Love Talk, The Good Fight, and the award-winning, Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. They are also cofounders of the game-changing, online SYMBIS Assessment (see SYMBIS.com). Les and Leslie live in Seattle with their two sons. Visit LesAndLeslie.com for more information.