My only “live event” involved an overhead projector and a bad suit.

I had a passion for sharing what I had learned about getting out of debt and winning with money, but I soon found that my teaching had an unexpected side benefit. This money stuff was healing marriages. Couples taking my class would say, “Dave, this stuff has saved our marriage!” or “Dave, our relationship was pretty good, but now we’re at another level!” I would think, Wait a minute… this is a money class. The sex class is down the hall!

Since then, I have learned that money and marriage actually do go hand-in-hand. Bad relationships create money messes, and money messes damage relationships. And if you do not get a handle on this as a couple, the whole thing will blow up. That’s why money problems and arguments are a leading cause of divorce in America today.

Now, I have been married a long time and counseled hundreds of other couples through the years. I know marriage is hard—even in the best of times. However, that is precisely why you have got to dig in and learn how to make money and marriage work together. 

Opposites Really Do Attract!

The best place for couples to start talking about money and marriage is discussing who you are as individuals. Listen, I know the preacher said the two of you have become one, but you are still unique individuals with distinctive personalities. Each spouse needs to embrace the fact that God has wired you differently. For example, one of you may be hot all the time, while the other one is freezing. Or one of you has to be on time for everything, while the other tends to be late, late, late! You are different… and that’s okay. In fact, those differences help keep things interesting in a healthy marriage. And they certainly keep you balanced as a couple. 

Like my friend, Larry Burkett, used to say, “If two people just alike get married, one of you is unnecessary.” God knows that opposites attract, and He brought you together because you need one another.

Keeping Score, Feeling Secure

Celebrating your differences is important… but while you’re at it, do not forget that they can also create tension in your relationship, especially when it comes to money. Each spouse sees and responds to money differently, which explains many of your conflicts.

On the one hand, men often see money as a scorecard. Ladies, your husbands probably draw much of their self-esteem from their ability to earn money and offer support. When financial problems threaten that, men will struggle emotionally. On the other hand, women see money as a security blanket. Guys, your wives get scared when the math does not add up. Sharon says it is actually more like sheer terror! She needs to feel secure if she is going to be able to relax in an emotional space that men do not experience. 

Couples can also feel stressed because one spouse is a saver, and the other is a spender. One of you loves to go shopping, while the other never buys anything unless it is “Triple Coupon Thursday.” Neither of these is better or worse than the other… they are just different. However, those differences can create conflict, so I will repeat it: You need each other. Spenders get savers out of the house once in a while… and savers keep spenders from buying two of everything. You fill in the gaps for one another—just like God designed.

Winning with Money… Together

If spouses are different people with distinct money personalities, which one needs to handle the finances? Who needs to do the budget and track the spending? The answer is pretty simple—both of you. That’s right. You work together. Each of you gets a vote when it comes to budgeting, paying off debt, investing for the future, buying big-ticket items or any other money matter. 

Here’s how that works. Since opposites attract, pretty much every marriage has a nerd and a free spirit. For instance, I’m a nerd—a detailed person who loves digging into numbers and playing with spreadsheets. Sharon is more of a free spirit. She is not big on details, but when it comes to making good decisions, her wisdom is legendary! So, while I can build a great budget each month, I am just wasting my time if I do not lean into her knowledge and insight. I need her to see the numbers and toss a red flag if something does not feel right. And I’ll tell you, I have learned to respect her awareness and feelings. In fact, some of this nerd’s most expensive mistakes have come when I did not ask for, or listen to, my free spirit’s counsel. The same is true in your marriage. The nerd and the free spirit should be partners, creating a plan that works for you both. 

Working together also teaches you to communicate better. You figure out how to cooperate and agree on your priorities. Before you know it, your financial plans start looking a whole lot like one, unified set of goals. Relationship expert, Dennis Rainey, compares communication in marriage to building a house with different sets of blueprints. You might be thinking about a tri-level, but your spouse wants a ranch. If you do not work together to figure it out, you will end up building a pretzel. 

However, when you do work together, it is like two, powerful horses combining their strength. I have heard that a massive Belgian Draft Horse can tow 8,000 pounds by itself, but when paired with another Belgian, even if they have never worked together before, they can pull three times as much—24,000 pounds! So, what happens if you actually train them to work together for a few weeks? Those two horses, taught to perform in tandem, can pull 32,000 pounds—we are talking 16 tons! That is amazing! And that’s the power of working together.

The Reluctant Spouse

At this point, you might be thinking: Dave… that makes a lot of sense, but what if my spouse refuses to cooperate? Trust me, I understand. Almost every day for nearly three decades, I have talked with numerous radio listeners who have reluctant spouses. Sometimes, it is the husband digging in his heels… other times, it is the wife. But, either way, the struggle is real. 

So, how can you get your spouse on board? First, do not try to nag, whine or manipulate your husband or wife into submission. Those tactics never work, and they always do more harm than good. Your spouse will only feel resentful and become defensive. Remember, you are trying to eliminate money fights, not spark new ones!

Second, be completely honest. If managing money really is a team sport, and I believe it is, being open and transparent has to be part of the game plan! Along with being the best policy, honesty pushes you to focus on the why of working together instead of just hammering on what you think needs to be fixed. Spouses are not mind readers—they may not understand exactly how much this means to you, but if you explain how excited you are about getting out of debt and building a great future together, they may catch the vision. You also might consider putting your hopes, dreams, and fears down on paper. For some reason, the written word has a way of touching a spouse’s heart when other things may fail.

Whatever you do, make sure you are coming at it with pure motives and an honest desire to figure out what is best—for both spouses.

Simply the Best

The way you handle money is the best indicator of what you truly value—as individuals and couples. Jesus understood this. That is why He said that where your treasure is, your heart will follow (Matthew 6:21). 

As a couple, you must be honest about your treasure. It is not easy, and may require some sacrifices, but working together to align your values will make a huge difference in your relationship. In fact, it has the potential to transform one of your biggest struggles in marriage into one of your greatest blessings.

I have seen it happen in my own marriage and thousands of others through the years… and I believe it can happen to yours, as well.

Dave Ramsey is America’s trusted voice on money and business. He has authored seven best-selling books: Financial Peace, More Than Enough, The Total Money Makeover, EntreLeadership, Complete Guide to Money, Smart Money Smart Kids, and The Legacy Journey. “The Dave Ramsey Show” is heard by more than 14 million listeners each week on over 600 radio stations and digitally through podcasts, online audio streaming, and a 24-hour, online, streaming video channel. Follow him on Twitter at @DaveRamsey and the Web at daveramsey.com.