I have created five simple steps that you can begin to implement today!

  1. Embrace your season. As Christians, it can be easy to fall into the people-pleasing trap. With many exciting ways to serve in our churches, it is easy to think, “What’s just one more yes?” We have to remember God sees our hearts, and we must not fear setting healthy limits in order to thrive right where we are. One easy way to identify whether you are serving to please others (at your expense) is to examine the energy with which you show up. Are you showing up with a grateful heart or a grumbling heart on your way to serve? Do you feel tired and checked out while you are serving? You must pay close attention to these red flags. If this describes you, it is time to re-evaluate your commitments. Do you really need to serve in all three areas this season, or can you pick just one? As a mama to three sweet babes, I ask myself, “Who needs my attention most this season?” If I am going overboard because I feel bad saying no or desire validation, it is time to pause and keep priorities in check. Our homes are easily the most impactful places we will ever get to serve. 
  2. Stop needing to prove yourself. Let’s go back to the example of serving since this is a common one for Christians. Checking your motives to serve is critical to protect your energy. It is essential to gain satisfaction from serving without being seen or validated. The ability to do so will tell you a great deal about WHY you serve. Let’s face it, serving within a community can be a lot of fun, but you might be doing it for the wrong reasons if you feel stretched, depleted, and grumbly. Many desire affirmation and to hear, “How are you doing it all? That’s incredible you’re serving on so many teams!” However, if you feel tired and burned out, it may be a sign you are doing it for the validation you may not receive in other areas of your life. God does not require us to prove ourselves to Him. He knows our hearts and what we have the capacity for in the moment. Rest knowing that He sees your heart. Take some time today and check your energy around each serving opportunity. Are you satisfied knowing God sees your heart, or are you still desiring external validation?
  3. Learn to say no without the guilt. The easiest way to set a limit and say no is to do so without over-explaining. We often forget we can simply say, “No, thank you.” There is never any reason to explain excessively. When we do, it is typically out of personal guilt or fear of what the other person will think of us. One little tip to live by is to be okay with the pause in a conversation. You can respectfully say, “I appreciate your offer, but I’m going to need to decline,” and then wait for the pause. Most people need a moment to process and plan what they will say next. You did your part; now the ball is in their court, so no (I repeat NO) over-explaining. It really can be that simple. Keep in mind there could also be pushback, and it’s okay! Many people have been accustomed to you saying yes, and once you begin to draw your lines and set limits, they may not like it. Being a “yes” person means others are used to getting what they want. However, if they genuinely care and cherish their relationship with you, your decision to begin setting limits will be respected. And if someone does not accept your boundaries, it might be a hard reality that this person is someone you no longer need in your life. Remember, NEVER apologize for saying no.
  4. Have faith that others are capable. We need to believe in others so that they, too, can figure things out for themselves. Often in people-pleasing situations, we develop a savior complex and believe that if we do not bend over backward for others, they will not be able to move forward. However, this is far from the truth. When we can set firm limits and say no when necessary, it gives the other person the opportunity to problem-solve independently. Humans are incredibly resourceful and crafty. When we are in a difficult place, we can typically assess and find a solution. When we accept this, we will begin to look at those who rely on us as stronger and more capable. This reminds me of my kiddos. I could certainly follow them around all day and pick up all their toys as they drop them because it would make them happy. However, I know that if they are capable of dropping them, they are also capable of picking them back up! They may not be pleased that I ask them to do so, but I know this will eventually serve them well. They can translate this in other areas of their lives by taking personal responsibility for their actions. I would be crippling my kids if I only coddled them and did not give them opportunities to take responsibility, which is the same for adult relationships.
  5. Focus on nurturing balanced relationships. Does people-pleasing really provide fulfillment or leave you feeling hollow and overextended? Relationships should feel balanced. There will be times when you fill in the gaps for each other, but it should never be off-kilter. If drawing the line in your current relationships has ruffled feathers and does not end well, take it as a blessing. There are plenty of others waiting for a friend like you! Envision what it would feel like to be in a relationship that gives AND takes. To make room for those new people, you must clear space from what is holding you captive today. Do not allow those toxic relationships to block new, healthy ones from entering your life!

Kate Crocco, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, published author, and podcaster. She earned her master’s degree in Clinical Social Work from Columbia University in 2010 and has been practicing in the state of New York for the past 12 years.