Every time they were in the same building, let alone the same room, it became an opportunity to attack one another and embarrass her. It was so confusing, because her dad never seemed to be the monster her mom insisted he was. Susan loved her daddy just as much as she loved her mom, but she could only be with him every other weekend and two weeks each summer. That didn’t really seem fair, but that’s all she had ever known. Even so, it just felt so wrong to have a bedroom at mom’s house and a guest room at dad’s.

So, just what is it with which the court system needs to take notice? How can divorcing couples engage in protective parenting to minimize emotional and relational turmoil for their children? Can such principles become present in our family courts through policy implementation? Is there not only a different way, but also a better way, to engage in the divorce process?

First, what we know is Susan is now 30-something, on her third marriage, and sitting in our office trying come to terms with the homeostatic gravity that has kept her in this orbit of perpetual marriage failure. We know, that her parents’ inability to get along put her in the center of their conflict, constantly challenging her loyalties and leading her into a destructive habit of cutting to relieve the pressure she was feeling. We also know her lack of access to, and meaningful time with, her father drove her to seek connection and approval in unhealthy relationships with multiple surrogates. Her mother’s relentless tirades left them both emotionally scarred as the personal and financial instability kept them moving regularly and taught her how to recognize and respond to everyone’s needs except her own. In addition, we know the infrequent and volatile communication between Susan’s parents forced her to become the parent and carry the weight of adult issues, have conversations, and engage in roles in which any child would feel ill-equipped. In short, Susan’s life was touched by every major risk factor known to lead to negative outcomes for children of divorce, many of which were initiated, exacerbated, and perpetuated by the nature of the litigious process of divorce. And we know it did not have to be that way.

Protective parenting starts by recognizing the reality that co-parenting begins well before the divorce process. Here are some co-parenting principles to share with clients that will help protect the hearts of these vulnerable children and preserve post-divorce family function.

  • What Do We Tell the Kids?: Do not let this conversation become a battleground for your child’s loyalty and affection. Decide beforehand exactly what will be shared during your disclosure. Make sure it is a consistent message from both parents and account for developmental and age differences. Focus on how daily life will look as you divide into two homes. The details of your marital discord and failure are adult information children do not need to know.
  • Shared Parenting: Research shows that children benefit from having equal and quality time with both parents. Establish this as a common goal to help ensure your child’s long-term healthy adjustment. Do not force your child to decide between parents; more often than not, both are equally loved.
  • Get Stable: Each parent can benefit from individual counseling related to divorce. Healthier parents are proactive and committed to helping their children adjust.
  • Communication: Never discuss co-parenting business in front of the children. Do not use them as messengers or mediators. Instead, schedule co-parenting meetings by phone or in person to talk about parenting-related decisions, finances, schedules, etc. Be intentional about compartmentalizing communication; it will protect your children and co-parenting relationship. This will allow you to attend school events and extra-curricular activities without significant stress. During co-parenting meetings, keep divorce issues separate from parenting issues, and be mindful of tone of voice and body language. Stay objective and on topic.
  • Handoffs: Handle the exchange with a positive attitude, encourage children to enjoy their time at the other household, and never burden children with emotional good-byes.
  • Filtering Out Negative Voices: Each parent is the “first filter” to his or her child’s heart. Implement good boundaries with extended family members and other adults. Protect children from derogatory comments about either parent. 

Early research, reflecting the prejudice of cultural role expectations, informed the legal system with a matriarchal bias favoring the role and function of mothers. Those role expectations have shifted greatly in society today, but are still very present in our family courts. Despite the relevant research that points very clearly to the emotional benefits for children having equal time and access to both parents, many states have been slow to implement policies that reflect these findings.

There are two trends that are slowly changing the way divorce happens in America. Both are the result of considering the child’s best interest and the health of the post-divorce family. Family Therapy is trickling into family court thanks to the hard work and cooperative efforts of those who bridge the gap between these two worlds. In 2014, the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC) published the recommendations of 32 family law experts.1 The group concluded, “Children’s best interests are furthered by parenting plans that provide for continuing and shared parenting relationships that are safe, secure, and developmentally responsive and that also avoid a template calling for a specific division of time imposed on all families.” It also stated, “Parents who choose these arrangements [shared parenting] have reported that their children are better adjusted across multiple measures than their sole-custody or step-family peers.” This is one example of the current body of research that is informing state policies being reflected in family law.

The other “trend” has been developing since the mid-80s and has become known as Collaborative Divorce. The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP) defines itself as “an international community of legal, mental health, and financial professionals working in concert to create client-centered processes for resolving conflict.”2 They, and others, are providing training and establishing standards of certification for professionals who want to “provide a safe and dignified environment to reduce the conflict and minimize its impact” on clients, their children, their families and their lives. Imagine a process that starts with the mutual commitment to avoiding litigation in which the parties:

  • Sign a collaborative participation agreement describing the nature and scope of the matter
  • Voluntarily disclose all information which is relevant and material to the matter that must be decided
  • Agree to use good faith efforts in their negotiations to reach a mutually acceptable settlement
  • Must be represented by a lawyer whose representation terminates upon the undertaking of any contested court proceeding
  • May engage mental health and financial professionals, as well as other experts, as needed

This is the alternative to traditional divorce, one that puts the best interests of all involved at the forefront of every decision to provide an equitable, satisfactory, and healthy outcome to a painful and challenging transition. Thankfully, those overseeing the process have started to understand that though a divorce ends a marriage, it does not end a family. In fact, we can all be about the business of preserving the family despite the imminent, painful reality of divorce.

Unlike Susan, Angela remembers when her parents divorced. She could not stand the thought of them never being together again. Nevertheless, she was sure her parents would be alright, as well as her and her brothers. Every time they were all together—for birthdays, basketball games, or piano recitals—it became an opportunity to celebrate and enjoy each other. Sometimes it was confusing, because her dad and mom never seemed to be upset with each other. She loves her daddy just as much as she loves her mom… and although she would love to see them more, she never really feels like she’s missing out. Besides, it is kind of neat having an extra mom and dad. She feels loved, fulfilled, and happy. That’s all she has ever known. It may be unique, but somehow she doesn’t mind her one heart having two homes.

Jay S. Daughtry, M.MFT., is a pastor, author, and national speaker. He serves as the co-founder of The Counseling Center for Modern Family Dynamics, CEO of Co-parenting International, and is co-author of the digital curriculum, One Heart, Two Homes: Co-parenting Children of Divorce to a Positive Future. Together with wife, Tammy, Jay is raising a blended family of four in Nashville, Tennessee.

Tammy G. Daughtry, M.MFT., is an author, speaker and founder of Co-parenting International, an organization launched in 2003 to help divorced and remarried parents raise healthy kids. She is author of Co-parenting Works! Helping Your Children Thrive after Divorce, co-author of the digital curriculum, One Heart, Two Homes: Co-parenting Children of Divorce to a Positive Future, and Co-founder of The Counseling Center for Modern Family Dynamics. She and Jay lead seminars, marriage retreats, therapist trainings, and events across the country for faith-based and mainstream audiences.

Resources

Co-parenting Works! Helping Your Children Thrive after Divorce by Tammy Daughtry. Zondervan/HarperCollins, 2011.

One Heart, Two Homes: Co-parenting Children of Divorce to a Positive Future by Jay and Tammy Daughtry; 6 Risks for Children after Divorce, class 5, lessons 15, 16, and 17, pages 42-47 (a multi-media curriculum including 33 guests, an interactive workbook, and a comprehensive study on the topic of co-parenting. Published by Co-parenting International, 2014, Nashville, TN).

National Parents Organization, P.O. Box 270760, Boston, MA 02127. 

NationalParentsOrganization.org, Parents@NationalParentsOrganization.org, 617.542.9300.

Endnotes

1 Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC): http://www.afccnet.org.

2 International Academy of Collaborative Professionals (IACP), 4201 N. 24th Street, Ste. 240, Phoenix, AZ 85016, collaborativepractice.com, 480.696.6075.