You know how it goes… one spouse is in charge of the money, and the other has no idea what is going on. Maybe he got a bonus and kept it to himself or she is feeling insecure and scared because they are stretched too thin. But, she knows if she brings it up, it will cause a money fight. Or it could just be a lack of awareness, by both spouses, about how much money actually comes in and goes out each month. With all these factors and feelings swirling around, it is easy to let tension creep into a marriage. 

However, it does not have to be that way. Before your bank account turns into a battlefield—or even if it already has—let’s talk about some ways to get on the same page with your spouse.

No More His and Hers

I know this freaks some people out, but hear me out on this—when you are joined in marriage, you should also have a joint checking account. 

The “that’s yours and this is mine” mindset, which is so common in today’s culture, is destructive—and it has got to go! There’s no room for that mentality in any healthy relationship. If you are married, there should be no such thing as my money or your money. It is our money! I don’t care who brings in the paycheck or who makes more money. When that paycheck hits the bank account, it has to be looked at as our money. From there, you make the decisions about it together. You have to understand that it is very difficult to win with money when the two of you are running in separate lanes. 

There are so many benefits to having one account. For one, it will create a kind of communication you have not had before in your relationship. It will also make you feel like you have doubled your income! And when everything is visible, both spouses will have a higher level of trust because they will never have to wonder where the money is going. This brings me to a major pitfall you should avoid: financial infidelity.

Yep, Financial Infidelity is a Thing!

Financial infidelity is intentionally hiding a purchase from your spouse, and it is more prevalent than you may think.

A 2017 study by Ramsey Solutions1 revealed that one in three married people who fight about money has hidden purchases from his or her husband or wife—one in three! Is it any surprise that keeping purchases a secret from your spouse will eventually lead to a fight? It shouldn’t be. Money secrets, just like any secret in marriage, will lead to a breakdown of trust. 

If you have already hidden a purchase (or maybe even a credit card), there’s no time like the present to come clean. Ask for forgiveness. Start fresh. And, if you cannot communicate about money with your spouse without it blowing up into a huge fight, it is time to get a marriage counselor. 

Making Your Money Work for You

Once your money is combined in a joint checking account and there are no secrets, it is time to put a plan in place. That plan is the budget. 

Listen, I get it… the word budget can make people roll their eyes, squirm, sigh or even get scared. That was me! I always felt that a budget suggested I could not have any fun. However, after my husband and I started doing one together, I realized maintaining a budget actually meant I could spend money on things I wanted. The purpose of a budget is not to limit your freedom, but give you freedom—with some boundaries in place. And I promise… learning to budget with your spouse is something that will not just free up your money, it will also improve your relationship!

If you have been married more than two minutes, you probably noticed that one spouse is more of a spender than a saver, and vice versa. One may love to do budgets, while the other likes making money decisions on the fly. One may have a long-term focus, while the other wants to live in the moment. That’s normal… and before you savers start getting overconfident and thinking you are on higher ground, let me tell you, being a natural spender or natural saver isn’t right or wrong! 

Teaching about personal finances is what I do for a living, so people may assume I am naturally good at saving money. The truth is, I am the natural spender in my marriage, and my husband, Winston, is the natural saver! While Winston naturally loves doing the budget, I have free-spirit tendencies. But now, after almost a decade of doing a budget every month, I have learned to enjoy living on a budget. It is a fundamental part of our finances. It is just what we do. We do not have to stress, worry or fight about money. It really works!

Creating a Budget Together

Here’s how Winston and I build our monthly budget. First, we add up our total income for the upcoming month and put that number at the top of our budget. Next, we list all our expenses (including giving and saving). Then, we subtract our costs from our income, making sure we get to zero. Why zero? Because that means we have budgeted every penny and given every dollar a purpose. We use an app called EveryDollar® to do the math for us. 

Admittedly, we struggled with this initially. The first time we sat down to do a budget together early on in our marriage, it was a disaster! It just didn’t work—the numbers wouldn’t add up, and we overspent. Somehow we managed not to even budget enough for food—which you would think is pretty basic, right? The second month was somewhat better, and after the third month, our budget started working.

If you are new to budgeting, this will probably happen to you, too. However, do not give up! Give yourself 90 days to get your budget right. After all, you are trying something new, and you may have no idea how much money you spend on certain items. Plus, one person’s idea of how much money should actually go into the “eating out” line item may be completely different from the other’s. Personally, I would go out to eat every night—Winston, not so much!

The most important factor is to be patient with one another. Give each other grace and assume the best. You will probably mess up and get it wrong here or there. It might feel weird or uncomfortable… and you may even budget too little for food! However, in that same survey I mentioned previously, 94% of couples who describe their marriages as “great” also say they discuss their money goals together. You can do it too! After a few months of working on your finances together, you will find your groove, be less stressed, have fewer arguments, and feel closer and more connected than ever.    

Rachel Cruze is a #1 New York Times best-selling author and host of The Rachel Cruze Show. She helps people learn the proper ways to handle money and stay out of debt. Rachel has authored three, best-selling books, including Love Your Life, Not Theirs, and Smart Money Smart Kids, which she co-wrote with her father, Dave Ramsey. You can follow Rachel on Twitter and Instagram at @RachelCruze and online at rachelcruze.com, youtube.com/rachelcruze or facebook.com/rachelramseycruze.

Endnote

1 https://www.daveramsey.com/research/money-marriage-communication.