At a safe distance, a fire can be mesmerizing, as well as warm and toasty on a cool evening. When it is time to call it a night, campers will extinguish the fire. As soon as the flames start to die, an immediate chill fills the air. 

The same is true for married couples. When they first meet and are attracted to each other, a fire is ignited. If the fire is built on a good foundation of affirmation, affection, listening, and other gestures of love, the flames will continue to burn. However, if the fuel is removed, the flames start to die and an immediate chill fills the relationship.  

Unlike a campfire, most marriages do not burn out overnight if the fire is being fed. The cause of a burnout is usually a series of decisions, actions, or lack of actions that occur over a long period of time until the foundation begins to crumble and can no longer support the fire. 

Rebuilding the Foundation

The best way to start rebuilding is to go back to the basics. I have pastored many wedding ceremonies where Christian couples get married in the church and vow that a cord of three strands is not easily broken. I believe, on that day, these couples have every intention of incorporating God into their marriages, but then they start down life’s path together and leave God at the altar. They visit Him when they attend church, but they are not living by God’s instructions for marriage. Written instructions from the manufacturer are critical when someone purchases a product, and it is no different for husbands and wives. We need to go to the Creator and read His Word to understand how it is supposed to work.

The best place to begin is Ephesians 5:21-33, because these are God’s instructions for marriage. The word submission often gets people all riled up. For some reason, in Christian circles, we tend to focus only on wives submitting to their husbands, but the very first verse of God’s instructions, verse 21, says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Submit, by definition, means to accept or yield to a superior force or the authority or will of another person. In marriage, we are to accept or yield to each other, first and foremost, out of respect for the Lord. 

In verses 22-23, Paul says, “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church….” Of course, that does not mean women are to lie down and let their husbands walk all over them. God intended for husbands to be spiritual leaders in their families, just as Christ is the spiritual leader over the Church. The problem is, many men are not adhering to that command, so wives are being forced to step into that leadership role, but God did not intend for wives to serve first; He called the man to that role. When we do not function in the roles God intended for us, His will cannot be done. Just like that product will not work when we don’t follow the instructions given to us by the manufacturer, a marriage will not work either if couples ignore the instructions and do it their own way.

God’s Word instructs husbands in verse 25, “… love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her….” Christ loved us so much that He died for us. What woman would not want to be loved like that? A man is to cherish and adore his wife and give himself up for her. That means to think of her first in all that he does… to bless her with Scripture and not stain or blemish her. That is how he is to submit to her. 

In Francis and Lisa Chan’s book, You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity, they write about the concept that marriage should reflect the Gospel of Jesus Christ. When people look at the marriage of a Christian couple, it should draw them to God. Our marriage relationship should be a mirror of our relationship to Christ. Couples need to get that right first or nothing else they do will make a difference long-term. When they understand marriage is meant for something bigger than their individual needs, then they can begin to work on the mechanics of the relationship. The goal should not be working on fixing a marriage in order to be happy again, but working on a marriage so that it reflects the identity of Christ. 

Preventative Strategies to Maintain a Good Foundation

Once a couple understands their marital foundation must be rooted in Christ, it does not necessarily mean the relationship is going to magically be great again. As humans, we are limited by our fleshly desires. I am talking about those desires that cause our feelings to get hurt, initiate arguments, and make us feel jealous and experience discontent. We will never be able to completely eliminate struggles in our marriages, but we can minimize and manage them to our benefit. 

The most important preventative strategy I recommend is for couples to pray for, and with, each other every day. What does that look like? It means committing to a time of day where a couple comes together and prays for each other’s needs. That’s it. The prayer can be short or long. Maybe one spouse needs wisdom for an upcoming meeting or the other needs prayer to stop comparing him or herself to another person. It can be a time to pray for Jesus to be a part of the marriage. Why is praying together a good idea? Extending grace to one’s spouse is much easier if you have just prayed for him or her. It is a way to remind a couple that God is part of their union. Although it is impossible for a spouse to meet all of our needs, God can. Couples need to come together regularly and ask Him for help. Having couples pray for each other will change their relationships in a way that nothing else can. The intimacy created will be far greater than any physical intimacy.

Spouses should also regularly create opportunities to build trust with each other… always telling the truth without holding back important details, doing what they told their spouses they would do, and showing up when expected. By building trust in the small things on a daily basis, spouses can establish patterns of trustworthiness in their marriages. 

Another preventative strategy is to make sure couples have minimal exposure to people and situations that would tempt them to stray. Couples need to learn how to create healthy boundaries in their relationships with members of the opposite sex. They need boundaries to help keep them from crossing inappropriate lines in their everyday conversations and interactions. Also, impress upon couples the importance of being encouragers to one another, taking a few moments every day to notice something spectacular and offering a genuine compliment. 

Being honest in the little things is also an important preventative strategy. Pretending does not help anyone. Often, when couples are facing tough times in their relationships, they gloss over the real issues instead of facing reality. They will argue about money when trust is the real problem. They will focus on schedules when selfishness is truly the issue. They will yell about parenting even though they should be figuring out their priorities. Honesty is always the best policy.

The last strategy is for couples to stop comparing their marriages and spouses to others. God created us all as unique individuals, so our marriages will also be unique. No two marriages are alike, yet we have a tendency to believe the “grass is greener” on the other side of the fence. 

Reignited

In marriage, it can be easy for couples to get stuck in the negatives, only paying attention to the flaws and failures in their own backyard. They can nitpick and criticize all day long and, in time, will begin to wonder if they would be better off on their neighbor’s property.

The most important task for couples rebuilding their foundation is to avoid fanning the flames of arguments that have been extinguished and, instead, fan the flames of love and respect. In order to accomplish this, couples must learn to lay down their pride and stand up for their marriages. It means not always having to be right. It requires holding on to forgiveness instead of grudges. It is about moving forward and reigniting the fire that was there at one time… and believing it can be there again. 

Dan Seaborn, M.A., is the founder of Winning At Home, Inc., an organization that produces media resources and hosts special events to develop marriages and families. He is a featured speaker at various churches and large-scale events, such as Promise Keepers weekends, American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC) conferences, and university assemblies. Dan has authored 12 books and established himself as a media personality on West Michigan television and national radio. He and his wife, Jane, have four children and live in West Michigan.